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Motivational Essay

Here’s the first paragraph of a student’s rough draft for a motivational essay (which is the European version of a personal statement).

Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is _____. I am an American citizen living in _________, and I would like to apply for the Bachelor’s program in Economics with the _________ School of Economics. I want to work in a global environment to make an impact on our society. Studying Economics will provide me the best background for doing so. Studying at _______ University will be an excellent start to my global career since it is located at the heart of an international community.
Which I changed to
To The Selection Committee:
I am an American citizen living in ________ who wants to apply to the bachelor’s program of the ________School of Economics. I believe studying economics will provide the best background for my long-term goal: to make an impact on our society by working in a global environment. Because of its location in the heart of the international community, _______ University is the ideal place to start my career.

Here are my notes

• Letters for entrance into academic (and other) programs generally have the salutation “To The Selection Committee” and always end in a colon.
• Your name should be in the letterhead, the signature, your CV and the rest of the application. You don’t need it in the body of the letter.
• Being more specific about long-term goals (or reasons for wanting to pursue a career in international economics) either in the latter part of this paragraph or at the beginning of the next one would help to more immediately engage the reader.
• I took out the needless repetition of “economics” in the student’s second sentence: applying to a school of economics means one will probably be studying for a degree in…economics.
• Watch out for inconsistent or incorrect capitalization. If you are unsure, do a search.
• I compressed some of the sentences, so they’d be a little meatier. Don’t be afraid of (not-too-lengthy!) sentences that contain a lot of information. As long as they’re arranged in a grammatical, well-punctuated and precisely-worded way, they aren’t confusing. In fact, they’re the foundation of well-written college papers.

ESL Formal Letter

The following are the first few lines from a formal letter

Dear Mrs …

While I was in the University of ______ ________to learn more about the functioning of the university, I have learnt of your course “Civilization and Common law”. I would like to be an applicant for it.

I am a student in first year of law and I would like to complete this formation by doing a specialization in the common law. It will later permit me to turn towards a European or international juridical career. Indeed I would like to work as a judge in the European Court of Justice.

My edit for the passage is

Dear Dr. ____:

While I was visiting the University of ________ ________ , I found out about your course “Civilization and Common Law”. I would like to enroll. I am a first-year law student who wants to specialize in common law, so I can pursue a European or international judicial career. My long-term goal is to work as a judge in the European Court of Justice.

My explanatory notes were

• Are you sure the person goes by “Mrs. ____”? If she’s a law professor she probably goes by Dr. (for a PhD, not an MD). Double check with her website or that of her university to make sure. Even if she is not a PhD, you might want to change Mrs. to Ms. which is the best form of business address for women (who aren’t MDs or PhDs).
• My edit assumes that you were visiting and not enrolled in the University of ______ _______, so if you were a student there please correct my error.
• My overall suggestion would be to use spellcheck and a dictionary to avoid spelling errors and to try to use precise verbs (”specialize”, “pursue” and “enroll” instead of “to be”) to make your sentences more engaging and to help cut excess.

ESL Motivation Letter

A motivation letter for a scholarship had the following introductory paragraph in its first draft:

Dear Sirs,
I recently graduate from the Engineering department of the ______ ________ ___ ________ awarding the title of _______ __________. In the last years I have been working on different projects related with nanoscience in collaborations with my University and the applied physics department of the CIVESTAV-IPN. Due to these investigations I had the opportunity to present some of my results in different international congresses, which give me an opportunity to take a look of how fast is growing the fields of nanoscience and nanotechnology and how wide it can be.

My edit was:

To The Selection Committee:

I recently graduated from the _______ ________ ____ __________with a ___degree in __ __. The past few years I have been working on different projects related to nanoscience in a collaboration of my university with the applied physics department of the CIVESTAV-IPN. I had the opportunity to present some of my results in different international conferences, giving me the opportunity to see how fast the fields of nanoscience and nanotechnology are growing.

With the following explanatory notes

• First, never assume that everyone on a selection committee like this one is a man–and always put a colon after a salutation on a business letter.
• If the degree was a Master’s or Ph.D., say so. I didn’t recognize the field (which might be my shortcoming), so double-check the English name of this type of  degree.
• Explain (even just giving the full or English name) what CIVESTAV-IPN is

• As always watch out to make sure verb tenses agree with each other and the time table of the letter: “graduate” should be “graduated”.

It must be high season for motivation letters. Keep them coming.

Thesis for an Essay

For an essay on Macbeth a student wrote the following draft of a thesis statement:

Macbeth’s tragic outcome is directly related to his perplex physcological state caused by the fear of fatalism and self determination.

I took out the errors, the passive voice, the excess adjectives (replacing them with more precise verb-and-noun combinations) and tried to make the thesis direct and easy to understand. I also asked for some clarification, because I don’t know what “fear of fatalism” means. If she meant that he is afraid that no matter what he does he cannot change his fate, I would change the thesis to:

Macbeth’s tragedy has its roots in his own psyche: the fear that self-determination cannot change destiny.

Don’t be afraid to write a thesis statement (and the essay that follows it) in plain English. The ability to do so impresses professors more than you think.

ESL Proofreading

Here’s the introduction from a translation for an article from Russian to English. The author wanted to make sure his “English sounded like English”.

There is something really incredible about how celebrity moms are able to look as if nothing happened just a few months after the childbirth. “Some people have all the luck!” – unlucky mothers groan looking through the tabloids.

Nothing is technically wrong with the sentences (except that dash after the quote), but the passage reads better as:

How are celebrity moms able to look so good just a few months after childbirth? Flipping through the tabloids, mothers who aren’t famous groan, “Some women have all the luck!”

• I dropped the “there is something really incredible”: if you can get rid of a string of words in a sentence and not lose any meaning, you should always cut, cut, cut.
• A (good!) question at the beginning of a topic is also an effective way to engage a reader.
• I eliminated the juxtaposition of “luck” and “unlucky” and replaced “looking” with “flipping” for some variety in the last sentence (because “look” is also in the previous sentence).

• “Women” replaces “people” because pregnancy and childbirth is not generally something men experience directly.

I also excised the wishy-washy “look as if nothing happened” in the first sentence. You should always try to precise about word choice (and use a dictionary, not a thesaurus, if you need help) to avoid dull sentences and needless repetition.

Personal Statement Introductory Sentence

Question: I need a good opening sentence for my personal statement to do a psychology degree at Oxford uni, any ideas?

Answer: For a personal statement think about a specific experience, yours or that of someone you know, that has led you to want to study psychology. The end of that story is the concluding sentence of your personal statement. The beginning of that story is the introductory sentence. Like a short story, a personal statement that stands out will have vivid, non-hackneyed detail in it from the very beginning. See the story like a movie and set the scene: is it cold, wet, warm or sunny? What was your state of mind (or that of the person you know) at the beginning–nervous, confident, happy or distressed? What kind of colors are in the scene? Who else is there besides you (or the person you know)? Just tell a good (but true!) story and your personal statement will write itself.

English Essay

Here’s another introductory sentence, this one for the draft of a college sophomore’s English essay.

In the story “(Story Name)” the author reveals some of the messages conveyed in his narrative by emphasizing the use of allegory on the characters’ names.

Wow, trying to navigate through all those unnecessary words makes me dizzy. Here’s my revision

In the story “(Story Name)” the author emphasizes allegory in his choice of the characters’ names.

Don’t pad a sentence with a lot of words like “narrative”, “messages” and “conveyed” when you don’t need them. They won’t impress a professor, and they make your work a lot harder to follow.

Choosing Verbs Wisely

The following is the first sentence of a draft of an application letter to a PhD program.

I am considering a future career in neuropharmacology and doing a PhD will build on the valuable experience I am acquiring here at the (Name) University.

Although it’s not technically ungrammatical, it’s very wordy and has an odd tone. Here’s my revision

I am planning a career in neuropharmacology and want to enter your PhD program to build on the work I have done here at (Name) University.

“Considering” is what one does when wavering between the rice or noodles at a restaurant. “Planning” in the revised sentence makes the applicant sound more decisive about his or her career. “Doing a PhD” is too akin to “doing a crossword puzzle” or “doing my laundry”. “Want to enter your PhD program” is more direct. Finally the applicant mentions his “work” in neuroscience later in the letter, which is more substantive than the generic “valuable experience” would warrant. Don’t sell yourself short in your first sentence!

Personal Statement Question

Question: When applying to law school should the personal statement be all about you or just “I should get into law school because…”?

Answer: A dean of a famous medical school said to a student, “To get into (the school) you write about how you want to change the world. But to get into residency write about why you should get the job.” Law school is similar in that the personal statement should be about the applicants’ experiences and aspirations (which should prominently mention law school but can also touch on other areas). Later when the law student is applying to firms he or she can write, “You should accept me for the position because…”