ESL Proofreading
Here’s the introduction from a translation for an article from Russian to English. The author wanted to make sure his “English sounded like English”.
There is something really incredible about how celebrity moms are able to look as if nothing happened just a few months after the childbirth. “Some people have all the luck!” – unlucky mothers groan looking through the tabloids.
Nothing is technically wrong with the sentences (except that dash after the quote), but the passage reads better as:
How are celebrity moms able to look so good just a few months after childbirth? Flipping through the tabloids, mothers who aren’t famous groan, “Some women have all the luck!”
- I dropped the “there is something really incredible”: if you can get rid of a string of words in a sentence and not lose any meaning, you should always cut, cut, cut.
- A (good!) question at the beginning of a topic is also an effective way to engage a reader.
- I eliminated the juxtaposition of “luck” and “unlucky” and replaced “looking” with “flipping” for some variety in the last sentence (because “look” is also in the previous sentence).
- “Women” replaces “people” because pregnancy and childbirth is not generally something men experience directly.
I also excised the wishy-washy “look as if nothing happened” in the first sentence. You should always try to precise about word choice (and use a dictionary, not a thesaurus, if you need help) to avoid dull sentences and needless repetition.
